Life as a spiral - back around again

A poem- a repost with some news.

My loves, my friends, my substack family. I’m in the middle of a move. A long drawn out move away from the jungle and back to my little town in the Andes. Cooler, fresher, exponentially easier and uncomfortably timed during the holidays. I haven’t had internet or a place to work the last couple weeks and now I’m full-time with my beautiful boys through this transition away from the jungle, the life I was building.

I decided to separate from my partner of 12 years. I was deeply invested in the relationship and cared for him enormously and leaving is both profoundly heart breaking and liberating. I'm beyond sad that we found ourselves in such different worlds as the jungle stripped away everything to see where we both were. I'm most devasted for my boys relationship with their father and separating them from the trees the love. At the same time the winds of change made it very clear it would be for the highest good of all.

I feel tender, scared at moments, and excited for the fresh start. I’m starting over again in many ways but in a familiar place with community, friendships, work, and opportunity for my children.

It was time. It was complex. It’s humbling.

When I chose to move I had 200 dollars to start over because figuring out work for money in the jungle with no internet and a living with a community averaging 5 dollars a day isn’t a place to build up finances.

The choices building up to separate and leave the forest I both loved and loathed in its most brutal moments, took time and much consideration with a final decision and push, where all doors opened and I found myself supported in surprising ways as I started to open up more with the people I love.

I'm feeling hopeful, I'm feeling very very tired today as we just landed in the area but still not at our final destination because of some complexities with rentals during the holidays. We are safe in an Airbnb that was a gift from my mother to get us to a lighter place to celebrate a simple Christmas.

So, here I am back around again. Feeling a bit wobbly as I find my footing.

Throughout my life, because I tend to not do things like many other people, I find myself needing to over explain. This is a time I only share a bit until I know I can write with some perspective and deep respect for everything that happened and everyone involved. While I do want to open up and share more, I am weeding through my thoughts through this dizzying time.

Which is why I’m reposting an old poem.

How to linearize the layers of the
stories that meander through my head.

It’s like a spiral reaching ever upwards.
Only making sense in the song
When you return to the chorus again
with new perspective from the journey

Round and round
Up and up

Seeing through the pages of velum
to see how the patterns intertwine

Laid on top of each other
Fragments of meaning 
that only make sense
When placed on upon the next.

It’s like a spiral reaching ever upwards.
Only making sense in the song
When you return to the chorus again
with new perspective from the journey

Round and round
Up and up

To be seen, to be heard, to be felt
So many years looking outside
In the mirrors waiting for recognition
Only finally seen, 
when I make eye contact

With myself.

I see you, I hear you, I feel you.

It’s like a spiral reaching ever upwards.
Only making sense in the song
When you return to the chorus again
with new perspective from the journey

Round and round
Up and up

Round and round
Up and up